


i lost myself like i lost my war

by trite



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe – Canon Divergence, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, M/M, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:15:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27875194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trite/pseuds/trite
Summary: A brief moment in Kef Bir. Something that could’ve been.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Armitage Hux
Comments: 13
Kudos: 35
Collections: 10-Words-Challenge-2020





	i lost myself like i lost my war

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cat2000](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat2000/gifts).



> Words used: forgiveness, dark, sorry, guilt, stars, space, exploration, planet, new, light, redemption, love, care, friendship

Hux moved to a remote patch on the grass and sat down unceremoniously. He would’ve balked at dirtying his uniform like his, but he had already defiled it in far worse ways. Dameron’s astromech circled him for a few minutes before seeming to lose interest, leaving him alone with the cone-shaped droid.

He stared out at the distance but the view wasn’t very compelling. The sun was warm and suffocating. He felt caged in his dark clothes. He looked up when he sensed a commotion of some sort. Dameron and the former trooper were arguing, Ren’s Jedi had left. Once upon a time, he would’ve found this information useful. There was dissent in their ranks, a marked lack of communication, a divergence in their priorities. Now the thought just left him tired. It was the same everywhere.

Hux tensed and flinched back when he felt Dameron reach his side; the movement was mimicked by the droid to his left and was immediately followed by its departure.

“It’s just me,” Dameron said and sat down on the washed-out green grass next to him. He watched the droid scurry away downhill in the direction he had come from and turned to look at Hux, maybe expecting the same reaction. Hux stayed put.

“Just you? I hope you don’t expect me to find your presence comforting.” Hux supposed it could always be worse. Putting himself in the middle of a unit of defecting troopers was a recipe for disaster.

“I’m just reporting for Hux-sitting duty.” Dameron clearly thought himself very witty. “But I _am_ one of the few people here whose life you haven’t directly and actively tried to ruin.”

“You’re also one of the people whose lives I have directly and actively saved,” Hux said, turning to fully look at him.

“True. Did I say thanks? I’m usually better about that kind of thing.” He shrugged easily, as if Hux’s monumental act of treason and his downfall were an everyday occurrence. Hux supposed he was just carrying on with the tradition of rescuing Dameron, the one started by the stormtrooper.

Hux turned to look ahead of them, toward the open field of unkempt, tall greenery. The powerful current of the ocean was just beyond their sight. “I hold no regard for you other than as a useful tool to take down Ren.”

“I’m still alive and so are my friends. I don’t care about your reasons.”

“Should I care about yours?” Hux asked.

Dameron’s offer had seemed spontaneous, but firm. Like a poorly planned strategy he was willing to defend. Something he must frequently do.

“My reasons for what?” he asked.

“Offering me the opportunity to join you. I would have stayed otherwise.” Hux couldn’t suppress the accusatory undercurrent of his words. It was cowardly to pretend that Dameron had somehow _forced him_ to come with them just by virtue of presenting him with an alternative.

“They would’ve killed you. A pointless, avoidable death. It was the least I could do.”

“You could’ve done considerably less, actually,” Hux said, clenching his jaw and his fists, avoiding Dameron’s overly earnest gaze and words.

“We’re the choices we make. The ones we continue to make and the ones we decide to make amends for.” Dameron paused, squinting at the bright sunlight and rubbing his temples. “You made a choice too.”

Is that what he believed about Hux? That he had had a change of heart because the guilt had caught up to him? “I didn’t join you because I wanted a chance at redemption. I—”

“You wanted to survive. I get it. I won’t fault you for that.”

“No, I did it because it betrayed me _first._ “ Hux’s words came out frenzied, more honest than he had intended, like he had something to prove. And to Dameron of all people. He didn’t owe him any explanation.

Dameron frowned. “Kylo Ren?”

Hux scoffed and turned his gaze toward the sun, unflinching as the burning light from it fell across his features. “That would require him to care about anything but his childish and ill-advised impulses. I meant the Order. The very teachings I spent my whole life following were in service of something I would have never committed my life to. Its promises of power were empty and void, a placeholder for someone else.”

Dameron leaned forward and tried to catch his gaze. He had lost his scarf, had wrapped it around his injured arm and the open neck of his shirt emphasized the hollow of his throat, his collarbone, a silver necklace. “You’re alive and free to choose differently, better, something new. If we survive this, you’ll still have the rest of your life to—”

“Say ‘sorry’?” Hux laughed, a long shaky exhale forming in the space between them. “Is this what your recruitment speeches look like? You’re mocking me,” Hux said.

“I’m not, but don’t worry, if I ever mock you and you don’t notice, I’ll tell you. I don’t want my wit to go unappreciated.” Both his impertinence and his earnestness traded in overfamiliarity and were equally unwelcome.

“I’m supposed to believe that after a nice heartfelt apology I will find forgiveness, friendship, and true love waiting on the other side?” Hux was embarrassed to have even said the words, regardless of how mocking his intent had been.

“Nope. It’s not about saying it. You have to live it. You’ll have to commit to being better. Do you want those things?”

Hux entertained for a brief moment the idea that Dameron’s words were an offer, not a question. It was absurd.

“I don’t like what those things represent.” Hux turned to look at the sky and let it blind him; it was bright, and void of stars, stifling and unforgiving in its warmth. Hux had never liked being planet-side. He preferred his space exploration to take place inside a starship. _Something new_ , he thought.

“They mean something worth going back for, going back to.” After a long moment where Hux resolutely ignored him, he sighed. “Let’s go back to the ship. There are still repairs to be done. I don’t suppose you could help with that?”

“I could if it were any other ship. As it is, I can barely conceive how that deathtrap hasn’t collapsed under the weight of its many structural issues.”

“Well, you can hand over tools, then. Oh hey, you can be my left-hand man,” Dameron said, pointing at his injured arm with amusement.

Hux scowled but followed him down the tricky and uneven path forward.


End file.
